TAKE A LOOK AT 8 Things the Internet Ruined

 
The Internet is amazing! It gave us the ability to get food delivered without having to talk to another human being on the phone. Also, a bunch of other stuff. But all progress comes with a price. These are the things we've lost to this new, technologically advanced future world we live in.

This is the first entry, and this article is already taking me way too long to write. I don't have writer's block. I have the Internet. I keep getting sidetracked by things that aren't my work. I checked Tumblr. I saw that one of my friends made a new video. I watched it. I opened Pandora. I learned that the guy from the band Radical Face is in another band called Electric President. I looked Electric President up on Youtube. I checked Twitter. Then I checked Twitter again. Then I refreshed my Twitter feed one more time for good measure. All that since writing the title on a notepad file. Here's a fun experiment: Next time you have an assignment, write the first draft on paper, away from your computer. When you're finished, be amazed at how much faster you worked. Then you'll have the rest of the night to browse Youporn and read disparate Wikipedia articles.

Most of the laughably bad videos on Youtube would be great if they were part of a 9th grade English presentation. "Friday" by Rebecca Black is a terrible chart-topping pop single. On the other hand, it's the best Bat Mitzvah video in the world. I'm sure Rebecca Black's friends and family think it's amazing. You think it sucks? No shit. A 13-year-old girl made it. You think it sucks because you're viewing it out of context. You're comparing it to every great song that exists. That's not fair to Rebecca Black, who I'm sure would agree that "Friday" is not the best song of all time. Youtube gave the world an audience, which is great for people with incredible talent. It's terrible for the rest of us. You can't upload a video to Youtube without being judged against everyone in the world. I'm good at guitar compared to most of the people I know in real life. I'm terrible at guitar compared to a 12-year-old Korean kid on Youtube. I know that. If I uploaded a video of myself, everyone would tell me I was garbage, because that 12-year-old kid is on the same website. You're either the best or the worst on the Internet. There's no in-between.
The other consequence of this, is that it's discouraging to see how much better small children are than you. If I can't compete with a 12-year-old, why bother?

Internet memes are great because anyone can join in on the fun. Internet memes are terrible because everyone joins in on the fun, but never stops. The Internet doesn't beat dead horses. It pounds the ground where a horse decomposed with its fists, even though there are no horse parts left to punch. The Internet can't get hold of a joke without destroying it. I can't see the number 9000 anymore without thinking of Vegeta from Dragonball Z. It's not because I think that meme is funny. It's because every time there's a number over 9000 online, some stupid 15-year-old that I want to punch in the stupid face has to make that joke in the comments. That joke started in 2006. It's been 2012 for weeks now and it still happens. That's six years. Jokes aren't funny for six years. Chappelle's Show was still on in 2006. Can you imagine how annoying it would be if people were still yelling "I'm Rick James, Bitch!" Welcome to the Internet.

Don't look someone up on Facebook before a first date. I know, it's tempting. You can read a lot about them on Facebook. You can learn their favorite quotes and their siblings names, but that doesn't help you get to know them better. By reading about their hobbies and interests, you're actually making it harder. You're stealing away your ability to make small talk. Small talk is boring, but it's an icebreaker. It leads to more interesting conversations. The more you know about someone, the more likely it is that you'll end up with an exciting conversation like this over a romantic candlelit dinner:
"So. What's your favorite movie?"
"Dumb and Dumber. Yours is Titanic, I know."
"Oh. OK. Well, what's your favorite band?"
"AC/DC. I've already read all the bands you like so you don't have to tell me."
"Great. I'd ask you about the weather, but I assume you've already read about that on the Internet." Good thing you've got the Internet. You're going to need porn when you get home from that hypothetical date.

There was a time, not long ago, when everyone had to watch TV when it was on TV. There was no DVR. The Internet wasn't fast enough to stream video. It sucked. Thankfully, 2004 is long gone. We, as a society, no longer have to deal with commercials, or schedule our lives around episodes of Breaking Bad. I'm not complaining, but there is a hidden downside. You can't talk about TV shows the day after they were on anymore. We loved Lost here at the CollegeHumor office. That show was made for talking about, because it didn't make any sense. Every Wednesday morning after Lost, the same thing happened: someone would ask, "Did you see Lost last night?" Then three people would put their headphones on, two people would complain about spoilers, and the people that watched it would have to go hide in an office to deliberate about what the numbers meant. That wouldn't have happened back in the day. We would have all gathered around the fireplace and regaled each other with our theories while grandpa hammered out a ragtime tune on the piano. Maybe I'm remembering that wrong, but everyone would have seen it. And if they hadn't, they would've shut up about spoilers. They fucked up. They missed the show. They had something better to do at 9pm on a Tuesday (impossible). There was no way to know when the episode would air again, so they moved on with their life.

Nearly every idea that can be had has already been had. There are a lot of humans in the world. We've been here for 250,000 years. That's a lot of thoughts. It used to be that you could have a thought without ever knowing if you were the first. Unfortunately, with the Internet, it's easy to find out that someone beat you to the punch. That joke you made about the current event? Yeah. 300 people already tweeted similar ones. That crazy new triangular pizza you've been tinkering with? Check the patent database. Corn dogs with french fries baked into them? South Korea is a very advanced civilization.
It's hard to be the first person to do anything anymore. Which brings me to my next point…

Comedian Pete Holmes has already covered this one. Rather than step on his toes, I'll use the Internet for something it's great for: doing my work for me.

There is so much porn on the Internet. So much. Every kind. If you can dream it, you can find it on the Internet and masturbate to it. It's disgusting. And great for when you're single and/or bored. The problem is that enjoying the vast sea of Internet porn makes real-life sex with another human being worse. Think of it this way, the less often you have orgasms, the more exciting they are when they happen. And the Internet makes it so easy to have orgasms. After jerking off to 500 different naked people on your computer in five days, that one willing person on your bed seems kind of meh. I'm not speculating. There is a real study that says years of J-ing O to Web sluts makes you enjoy sex less. It can even lead to erectile dysfunction. If you don't want your wiener to stop working, you need to stop looking at porn and go have consensual sex with humans. Right now. Go. And use a condom.

What do you think? Has internet actually ruined these things or has it improved on it? Let hear your stake on this